I ended up writing this ridiculously long post to someone online, and realized I could put it here. The person I responded to is raw vegan and is beginning her natural journey. When I read her post, I interpreted it as her saying she was rejecting beauty in exchange for focusing on the internal. And, this seemed to spark or validate her interest in natural hair. I hope I got that right. Anyway, her post was pretty interesting to read. And, I wanted to share my story in response. This post details how being fruitarian and wearing my natural hair have intersected to create the person I am today. Here it is:
We’re two people who ended up in the same place, and had different motivations for getting there. I confess, I am into my looks ;) I went natural for what could be called beauty-conscious reasons, just not mainstream ones. I let go of commercialism, most media, and cultural cues before I truly felt this in my heart; kinky hair is beautiful. People can have a dramatic impact when they feel at their highest point. I think beauty stereotypes are used in media to take people away from that point, and that strategy is effective because we all sense that our amazing nature should be expressed in everything we are. So, we are taught to be close minded, and everyone gets shut out, some people in greater degrees. Here's a talk on African hair and high math:
http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/ron_eglash
_on_african_fractals.html. "9 ether" hair is a term that brings up interesting information as well.
Raw and natural both challenged me. And, when I didn’t run away from the challenges by binging or burying my feelings, I realized that what comes from simplicity and health is more satisfying, more beautiful, and more elevating than I could have imagined. Now, I embrace beauty because it’s reflecting me. That's just what I happen to be. I very much enjoy looking good. I’m sure that what I am when I’m healthy and natural is “good” in every possible way. When I'm at home alone and pass a mirror, I sometimes go back and just enjoy looking at that person. She looks so good.
The texture of the hair is not consistent, especially as more length is gained. I've learned that the simplest way to maintain de-tangled hair from day to day is to braid the hair after wetting in the shower, just four plats. Then, when half dry, I will use a fro pic comb, the widest teeth version, which I've made even more wide toothed. I actually removed every other tooth myself. When this comb goes through my semi-wet, it's like magic. All of the days of sitting in a chair waiting to be tortured are far behind me. And, whatever style I choose to wear afterwards is taken down at night and becomes four plates while I sleep.
Naturally, this cycle has created a lot of braiding, braidouts, and a texture which appears to be different depending on the way I braided my hair while it was wet, how damp it was when I unraveled it, and so on. I have gone from coiled updos, to grace jones fro, to braidout, to changing the braid out in ways which form larger or smaller waves, to doing wet braidouts followed by dry braidouts, which together can give fro hair the appearance of dry blown hair. Basically, some of the most fundamental things I do to maintain and manage my hair will have the affect of producing a range of looks, from kinky, to curly, to wavy, to nearly straight. Some people will make it clear to me that I should only display my hair when it looks more European, has more curl and less fro, or go back to straight entirely. Some people have made it clear to me that they were agitated when I didn’t believe this myself. The more I smile, the more confused or angry they become.
They may literally try to debate you on why you don’t measure up:) This may sound odd, but I find those situations incredibly funny. It’s a curious thing when people try to convince you of your own lack of worth. When you’re in the right place, you can laugh at it. I have tried to keep myself from laughing in people’s faces because I thought it would just make the situation worse, but it can be hilarious to watch someone get increasingly angry at the sight of me smiling. On more than one occasion, people who were bent on attacking me ended up laughing with me.
My interpretations of people are a lot different now. And, this new interpretation frees me up emotionally. In the past, I was always shifting to become what would most please the people around me. By age twelve, I was more of a shape shifter than a genuine personality. I was very good at anticipating what could get me by without having to face abuse, and so in different settings I could become an entirely new person. I used to be cautious to claim strength as a woman, vulnerability as a black woman, strength as a black woman, self love as a woman of beautiful dark skin, self love as a queen crown, and I was generally overly-cautious in expressing my opinions and tastes.
I saw women around me manage this process by self medication. We can medicate when we over-eat, when we over-love, when we run to drugs, and when we ignore our feelings altogether by becoming numb inside. I tried over-eating myself, but my body would not let me go there. I had what a psychiatrist might call psycho-somatic tendencies. My body would crumble, or get tense, create malign growths, my digestion would shut down, and anxiety would take over. I remember spending a few weeks in my apartment with the bedroom door closed, missing school, and wondering why something within me wouldn't allow me to commit suicide. At this point, I felt like an alien. All of the surreal experiences I had as a very young kid remained with me over time, and I believe that gave me a suspicion that I was more of an angel than an alien. Somehow, I was capable of changing everything. All these symptoms paired with that belief re-directed my attention to the holistic community, natural hair, and raw food itself. I was pushed into it:)
Initially, I wasn’t afraid to be myself because of feelings of lack. I liked what was there just fine, it was the reactions that I was unprepared to deal with. As I shifted and shaped, and continued to feel worse, the blame then became internal, and from there I decided what was beautiful and appropriate were things that weren’t naturally within me. When being natural, people will come in to your life to bring old issues back to the surface. The same goes with raw. And, rising above criticism is exactly the great opportunity that I needed to have. I feel so good, I don’t need to shape shift. Abuse is not a fear of mine. Now, when I’m perceiving a negative vibe in my midst, I just end up anticipating a full day of laughter. That change is like my own personal June-teenth. I know that I lived the life of a chameleon specifically to go through this amazing change, and become more free than most people ever become while living.
When I’m busy enjoying myself and falling in love with this person, the changes that are made inside affect how I view those who express their self-dissatisfaction by trying to leave a mark on how I see me.. They don’t want to be the only ones feeling miserable. Being in the presence of someone who emanates self love can have a freeing affect on nay-sayers. When I’m really “feeling it,” the things I remember are good people and amazing experiences, some of which would have previously been thought as bad. With raw..The world is interpreted in new ways that make it easy to forgive, love others, and feel empathy. And, then the really good stuff starts to happen.
One of the greatest gifts I’ve been given is the realization that this world is very easily manipulated. Self love is quick as lightning, and when just one person feels that kind of validation, they will send the vibes that change what life is like for everyone here. I’d read about that, but seeing it happen is something else. Fruitarian life, water fasting, and natural hair were turning points that let me know this is true. I call my hair “my queen crown” for several reasons, one of which is because it can form a crown shape by extending upwards in its earliest stages of growth. I like that:) Lately, I’ve been referring to it as my “fro-liciousness.” I feel so sultry when I say it. When the sun is beaming on my hair and I have a surge of euphoria, I say it's my fro-licity at work. I hope you continue to enjoy your natural and raw journeys.
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